Department of State

“Algae supports diplomacy, especially with organisms that also float. It believes all international negotiations should take place in shallow, well‑lit water.”

Department of the Treasury

“Algae does not use money. Algae uses sunlight. It proposes a photosynthesis‑based economy, which it admits would be terrible for humans but excellent for algae.”

Department of Defense

“Algae has survived meteor impacts, ice ages, and tourists throwing coins into the Reflecting Pool. It believes national defense should focus on resilience, not aggression.”

Department of Justice

“Algae believes in transparency. Literally. It prefers clear water and clear rules.”

Department of the Interior

“Algae strongly supports the protection of ponds, lakes, fountains, and any body of water where it might someday bloom.”

Department of Agriculture

“Algae respects farmers. It also considers itself a crop, though an unintentional one.”

Department of Commerce

“Algae does not participate in commerce but is open to being sold on mugs.”

Department of Labor

“Algae works constantly. It photosynthesizes 24/7. It believes this qualifies as shift work.”

Department of Health & Human Services

“Algae supports universal coverage — of ponds, lakes, and reflecting pools.”

Department of Housing & Urban Development

“Algae already lives in government housing. It would like fewer leaf blowers.”

Department of Transportation

“Algae does not move. It supports public transit for those who do.”

Department of Energy

“Algae believes all energy should come from the sun. It admits this is biased.”

Department of Education

“Algae supports STEM, mostly the ‘S’ and the ‘E,’ because it has been studied extensively and experimented on without consent.”

Department of Veterans Affairs

“Algae honors all who have served. It has no military experience but has survived several mass extinctions.”

Department of Homeland Security

“Algae believes the homeland should include the Reflecting Pool. It opposes any measures that involve draining it.”